Haven Notes Vol. 7

Media, Motherhood and Mary

Welcome to Haven Notes, where I take a look at all the marvelous and messy that is going on in life and invite you in with me to embrace what is means to live with hope and authenticity in the middle of it all. Let’s get to it!

MEDIA

This was a big week for Finding Havens, and for my first book, Love and Loyalty. I had my first media appearance on a local news program and all I can say is: God provided. Big time.

As it turned out, the interview contained none of the questions I expected, and I had a moment of panic as we got started and felt like I had a true out-of-body experience. When my mom called and asked how it went, I had to honestly answer that I didn’t know becauase I truly had no memory of those four minutes! Apparently the nerves were so high that I just blacked out.

After reflecting on this, I realized it couldn’t have happened in a more appropriate way. Isn’t God like that, after all? This entire journey has been a work of His hands, His will, and His heart. I have sensed it ever since the Book of Ruth captured my own heart. I knew this was the Lord leading me, guiding me and prompting me to lean in to sharing my gifts with His kingdom. And this interview was no exception. Instead of my pre-planned answers, I was able to step out of the way and allow the Holy Spirit to do His work. Even though I can’t remember a thing I said, I wouldn’t want it any other way!

You can watch the interview here, and please join me in praying that Love and Loyalty will glorify the Word according to His most holy will!

MOTHERHOOD

This week, there were several moments and conversations that led me to reflect deeply on the vocation of motherhood. I have been a mother for almost 25 years and the journey, while paved with so much anxiety, stress and angst, has never ceased to amaze, delight and inspire me. The older my children get, the more space and time that passes, I grow deeper in appreciation for this gift.

I had coffee with one of my oldest friends from my parish community this morning and we reconnected and reminisced about the old days when our kids were babies and toddlers (and some not even born yet!) and the memories flashed through my mind in technicolor. I remember those days, I thought. They seem so close, and yet they are not. Those little kids of ours are now graduated from college, working great jobs, contemplating marriage and living full lives that we are so proud of but that tug at our mama heart strings too because oh do we miss those moments with our littles.

Photo by Josh Withers on Unsplash

So as I cherished this morning of memories and connection, I realized that I’ve noticed lately that motherhood is under attack. Carrie Gress writes beautifully on this subject in her new book, Something Wicked. More and more young women are choosing not to have children, well before they are even married or past their 20s. I encountered one such young woman at the mall recently. We were both New Years’ babies, and discussed the pros and cons of having our special day around this time of year.

“I love it now,” I told her. “My kids are always home and it’s fun to celebrate with them.”

“Oh, I’m not having kids,” she commented with just a touch of disdain in her voice.

If I had to guess, this lovely young woman was not much past her mid 20s. She was not married. And she had already decided definitively that she did not want children. My heart ached for her in that moment. I politely finished the conversation and tried my best to witness the love of Christ to her through my interaction, but all I could think about was what could have shaped this worldview for her.

My suspicion is that she has bought into a narrative that I see often online these days targeted at ‘empowering’ women to ‘live their best lives.’ It goes something like this:

Kids are messy. And hard. And complicated. And they require sacrifice. And why would you want messiness and hard and sacrifice in your life? Go live for yourself, it’s easier and far simpler.

The subtle message here undermines the whole feminine genius that we possess as women, and robs us of the truth that while yes, it is incredibly hard and sacrificial, motherhood is also the greatest gift that far and away surpasses any comfort that comes from independence, a job, or a perceived freedom from responsibility. Would my life have been ‘easier and simpler’ if my husband and I had not been open to having children? Maybe. But I know without a doubt it would also have been a life filled with emptiness, regret, and plenty of worldly things to attempt fill the God-shaped hole in my heart that would have resulted from denying what my husband and I were called to do in being open to life.

And so I have such a tender heart for this vocation that has made me more of who God calls me to be, and blessed me with little souls entrusted to my care by a great and mighty Father in heaven. In my experience, motherhood breaks our hearts so that we can pour out His love. I have felt deep and profound heartbreak as as mom. I have made so many mistakes. I have struggled through seasons of deep darkness and despair. I have loved so imperfectly.

But oh, the joy. As someone who loves words, I am at a loss for the right ones to describe the utter and profound joy that has come to my life because of my children.

Photo by Liv Bruce on Unsplash

His loves flows so perfectly through our very imperfect selves, and this is a miracle I will never tire of witnessing. So, for all you mamas out there, especially the ones with babies and toddlers and littles, I am cheering you on. Praying for you. You are doing hard work. Good work. And I pray that one day, before you know it, you will be sipping coffee with a friend, cherishing the truly magnificent memories of a journey filled to the brim with the remarkable gift that is motherhood.

Because truly, it is so worth it.

MARY

Speaking of motherhood, my prayer life this week was infused with knowledge of just what a beautiful mother Mary is to us. My connection to and relationship with Mary has grown stronger each year of my own motherhood. And my involvement with SoulCore, a Marian Apostolate, has brought profound joy, love and admiration to my heart for our Blessed Mother.

But this week I was struggling with an aching mother’s heart. Things are happening that I wish I could just fix. I want to make it better, and it’s not as simple anymore as a kiss and a snuggle, or a warm bottle, or a change of clothes. To parent young adults is to recognize an inherent and necessary surrender: you cannot fix it, and maybe more importantly (and frustrating!), you shouldn’t fix it. We are not called to step in at each hard moment and perform the rescue. That job belong to God. He is the Author, the Director and the Guide. And He is gentle, and patient, and perfect in His timing. And I needed to be reminded of this in a particular way this week, and my sweet mother Mary did just that.

Photo by Jonathan Dick, OSFS on Unsplash

I was reminded recently by a wise and holy friend that Mary, the mother of Jesus, walked a very sacrificial road as a mother. We inherently know this as we witness Mary’s role in the Joyful Mysteries of Christ’s life — the Annunciation was a heroic act of surrender, the Presentation a sorrowful piercing of her heart, and the Finding in the Temple a jarring recognition of the knowledge that her precious Son truly didn’t belong to anyone but God.

But my friend pointed out another subtlety that I have honestly never considered about Mary. As I shared my heart and my despair and my angst, she got quiet and then commented:

Isn’t it interesting how Mary was called to walk alongside Jesus during his Passion, but she was not called to intervene directly? She did not comfort Him in the garden, she did not help Him carry His cross, and she couldn’t do anything to directly relieve His suffering during the Crucifixion. Her actions were small acts of love and support, and no doubt a mighty offering up of her own tormented heart as she had to watch her baby boy suffer so. Jesus relied on the support and help of others and and of his Father to carry him through, and Mary was there the whole time, a steady presence, watching and praying.

And that, my dear friends, is a magnificent example of our own call as mothers of grown children. We are at times called to intervene, of course, but more often, we are bystanders, supporters, pray-ers, and silent witnesses of love and grace. We stand in the gap, loving as best we can, and entrusting our sweet babes to the One who knows most intimately what they need, and what will be allowed for their own sanctification.

Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.

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SOMETHING I’M LOVING

Valentines vibes. Sorry, not sorry. I’m a sucker for pink hearts, love notes, and those delicious Lindt Raspberry Cheesecake truffles. Oh, my word. I leaned into the treats this week a bit and I don’t regret it. Something I indulged in that surprised my taste buds? Red Vines. Hot take: they are way better than Twizzlers. Agree??

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Because Mary is on my heart this week, I’m sharing an excerpt from Love and Loyalty (Lesson 3, Day 4: Humble Obedience) that explores similarities between Ruth and Mary:

2. Ruth’s immediate and faithful response to Naomi’s action plan is almost stunning in its beautiful simplicity. And it so beautifully echoes down the generations another response of our Blessed Mother. Let’s take a moment to explore the connection.

   A. Write out Ruth 3:5 here:

   B. Read Luke 1:35–38 and record Mary’s response to the angel Gabriel in verse 38.

C. What connections and similarities do you see between Ruth and Mary?

Ruth is a beautiful Old Testament example of the strength that comes from heroic and immediate obedience to God’s will. Her “fiat” in following Naomi’s instructions will play an instrumental role in salvation history.

Likewise, Mary’s fiat, her total and complete surrender and obedience to God’s call on her life was the most beautiful and important yes to be uttered in all of history. By offering her consent to become the mother of Jesus Christ, she stepped into a role that would involve a constant dying to self and trust in God.

Let’s pause here. I invite you to take a slow, deep breath and rest in Our Lord’s presence. As you do, think about the hearts of Naomi and Ruth as they supported each other and sought to follow God’s will. Ponder Mary’s humble and obedient response to Gabriel, and her gentle but firm instructions to Our Lord at Cana. Rest near the Sacred Heart of Jesus, attuning your own heart to the desires of His, and ask Him how He is calling you to step out with humility and obedience in your vocation. You are safe close to His heart, and He longs to love and support you as His beloved daughter. Feel free to journal any response of your heart here.

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xoxo,

Alli