Is It I, Lord?
Heart Lessons on Pride & Humility
I confess that Judas is not a biblical figure that I’ve ever given much time or attention to. To me, he always seemed to be a bit of rotten fruit on an otherwise healthy tree in Jesus’ garden. I mean, 11 out of 12 isn’t too bad, right?? We can’t win ‘em all.
But this perspective doesn’t really hold up to Scripture, does it? Jesus did “win ‘em all” by the selfless and totally humbling act of His death on a cross, for us.
And so, when praying with chapter 26 of Matthew’s gospel recently, God whispered gently to my heart, “No, my daughter, you are missing the point here. I want you to see what is really going on. Who is Judas? Who are you?”
I would soon discover that Judas and I were embarking on a journey that would bless my heart with deep humility and renewed awe at the power of my beloved Savior.
Judas’ Choice
As Scripture recounts, Judas went to the chief priests to offer up Jesus. Specifically, Judas asks them:
“What are you willing to give me if I hand him over to you?” (Mt 26:15, RSVCE)
After seeing Him love and heal and teach and preach, something in this man compelled him to seek out how he could profit from his relationship with Jesus.
And this moment, Judas’ heart was hardened. Matthew 26:16 tells us that from that time on he “looked for an opportunity to hand him over.”
I propose that the something that compelled Judas was plain old garden-variety pride. Judas was not ‘special’ or particularly ‘bad’ in any way. No, he was simply human, and he succumbed to the brokenness that we as humans experience each day because of our first parents’ first sin.
Just as in the garden with Eve, Satan was at work feeding lies to Judas, and Judas took the bait.
At the Table
At the Last Supper, Jesus says:
“Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.”
And they were very sorrowful, and began to say to him one after another:
“Is it I, Lord?”
He answered:
“He who has dipped his hand in the dish with me, will betray me.” (Mt 26: 21-23, RSVCE)
“Is it I, Lord?” Judas asks.
Can you imagine Jesus’ internal monologue? I don’t pretend to know the interior thoughts of Jesus Christ, but if it had been me sitting at the table, my thoughts would have run something along the lines of, “Um, yeah, Judas, it’s you. I think we both know that…”
But Jesus does not spout off a sarcastic comment or call out Judas and choose this moment to chastise or instruct him. He simply states the truth of the matter and lets it sit.
It begs the question: why not call out Judas directly? Could it be that He is letting Judas experience the consequences of using his free will in a way that separates him from the love of God?
Jesus, of course, does not and will not ever interfere with God’s gift of free will. He has accepted His Father’s will and recognizes that Judas has not.
The stark contrast between Jesus and Judas played out in front of all the disciples: Jesus, who will give His life for each of them, and Judas, the one of them who isn’t willing to give his loyalty to Jesus in His greatest moment of need.
And soon after, Judas does in fact lead the chief priests to Jesus and betrays Him with a kiss.
Jesus’ poignant response echoes down the generations to us:
“Friend, why are you here?”
It seems that our sweet Jesus is expressing true heartbrokenness. How did His beloved disciple get here, to this place where he let pride, greed, and a sense of control take over?
Judas’ End
Ultimately, Judas’ conscience did catch up to him. When he saw his Lord condemned to die and fully realized the part he played, he was consumed with guilt, heartache, pain, and sorrow.
The depth of emotion is truly hard to imagine. But again, Satan was able to grab hold of Judas with lies that convinced him that he was worthless and led him to the tragic decision to take his own life.
Once again, the contrast is startling and poignant:
Jesus, the Messiah, chose to love Judas and pour into him all the graces and goodness His Father wanted to offer.
Satan, who sought to twist and pollute the heart of Judas, convinced him that he didn’t need Jesus as much as he needed wealth and power—and then ultimately, the horrible lie that his life was worth nothing after all.
The Mirror of Judas
It is easy to look at Judas and judge him. But when we realize the truth of the matter—that Jesus chose him—we can no longer stand in a place of dismissive judgment.
Jesus chose Judas as one of His beloved twelve. Jesus asked Judas to follow Him, stay close to Him, learn from Him. Judas knew Jesus, intimately and personally.
And while perhaps being unique in the fact that he had a relationship in real time with Jesus, we as professed Christians have a relationship with Him too—one that has the benefit of knowing the rest of the story.
In other words, we know the playbook. We know who He is, and what He did, and what that means. But still, we betray Jesus all the time. Every time we choose to do something for ourselves that we know is contrary to God’s will, we are like Judas, coveting that silver in our pocket.
We can imagine God looking at us tenderly and saying:
“Friend, why are you here?”
And thanks be to God, when we realize it, we can go to prayer and reconciliation and echo Judas’ words, “Is it I, Lord?” as we confess and pour out our hearts and admit what is so hard to say—that we don’t always choose Him.
Hope Beyond Betrayal
But we must not leave it here in the dark place of sin and disordered wills. We know with certainty that our God is a God of love and hope, and that hope does not disappoint (Rom 5:5).
Judas holds a very important place in our salvation plan, and in our own personal lives of faith as we strive to witness Christ to the world. Judas shows us that we can and must resist the Enemy and his lies. He shows us that with Christ, we have complete and total forgiveness.
Judas was consumed by his grief and guilt and took his own life, and this was a tragic end for him. But Jesus never, ever abandoned Judas. He never turned away, even when Judas betrayed Him in the worst way.
Jesus loved him, pure and simple.
Is there a better application of unconditional love than this?
Ultimately, Jesus gave His life, for Judas and his sins, and He continues to give His life every day, each and every time we fall. He dies over and over for us, a thousand little deaths covering each of our daily sins, so that we may live.
So that we may repent and be healed and thrive as our good God intended.
Yes, Lord, thank you, for giving me a heart to see Judas in myself. And thank you for showing me that I need never be stuck where he was.
Jesus, I choose you.
For Further Reflection
Read Matthew 26: 14-30, 47-50 and ask God to reveal to you what He wants to say about Judas’ actions and your own heart. What emotions, thoughts, feelings come to mind?
Have you experienced a betrayal in your life where a friend or loved one became ‘Judas’ to you? How can (or did) Jesus’ example of unconditional love help you heal, particularly focusing on the scriptures we read today?