When Christmas Chaos Descends...
Well, I felt like I was doing really well embracing all the solitude and pondering and liturgical beauty right up until about 15 minutes ago. For the past couple weeks, I’ve been delighted in my efforts to challenge myself to daily intentional rest during Advent and in the fruits that have come from this practice. It has been a joy, almost seamless, and I’ve marveled at the peace that has come from just a few minutes a day of taking in the goodness of God’s creation around me.
But today, out of nowhere, a secular weight of Christmas chaos descended in my home and heart. I instantly felt a shift to anxiety mode as my brain was screaming at me: Presents needs to be wrapped! Plans need to made for Christmas meals, Christmas mass, post-Christmas events on the calendar! Gift lists need to be finalized! Cookies need to be made! Special family memories must be created! Hurry, hurry, go, go, go!
The Unexpected Storm
Whoa. Here I was coasting through my days with Advent contemplation in my heart, and bam! A storm crept up. It was unexpected and unwelcomed, to say the least, and I found myself shutting down. I retreated to a quiet corner of my room, where I proceeded to numb out: perusing unhelpful news articles about the grim state of the world, social media scrolls, youtube clips, or dumb movies that put my brain on autopilot.
Now, to be clear, I’m not saying any of those things are inherently bad. But for me, I recognized them for what they were at this moment: a coping mechanism. They are a means to enable my my brain as it tells my body that I can’t. Can’t be productive. Can’t exert energy doing meaningful things. Can’t run errands. Can’t cook. I simply cannot be bothered to do any of it because I am far too busy shutting it out.
Here’s the good news: I recognize it now, and I know what to do. Praise God for His goodness and patience with me! I am learning to pivot, and this is a gift. I pivot by stopping to speak with Him. I tell Him I love Him, I thank Him for being so good and generous and loving to me. And I enter into prayer - with scripture, my rosary and my own heart’s longing to spend time in His presence. And wouldn’t ya know — it works. Every time. Because Christ cannot and will not ever be outdone in generosity. He is a good giver in every season, every moment, every stumble, every sinful mistake.
The Ever-Present Haven
And so I go to my Father. I sit with Him and ask Him to calm the Christmas chaos. I ask Him to remind me of my identity and purpose and need of only one thing — to love & be loved. And here I once again find the haven from the storm. I find and feel the strength of truth, and beauty, and goodness. I let myself relax into the shelter of His arms and the wisdom He longs to give me.
The presents will get wrapped, the cookies will get made. It’s His time, not mine. And the more I surrender my time to him, the more that time and space materialize to help me get it all done.
Miraculous? Why yes, I think so. After, all, He is our miraculous Newborn King, Prince of Peace, Wonder-Counselor, and Good Shepherd. A Miracle Worker who never ceases to amaze us. God be praised.
He made the storm be still. And the waves of the sea were hushed. And they were glad, because they had quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven. -Psalm 107:29-30
I love your honesty, Alli. There is so much in what you wrote that resonates. Today the secular Christmas chaos also descended into my heart. From what was a peaceful entrance into Advent to today's desolation of realizing I have to buy Christmas gifts and compete with expectations of what Christmas is or has looked like for others... I also wanted to numb out, scroll, do anything but clean my constantly messy house and admit defeat... after a computer game or two, listening to a Praisewriters' interview, and pairing socks and folding laundry, the calm eventually came back and a short moment to journal a few ways that God was speaking to me today. I started off poorly by not making space for silence and prayer and beginning the day with fretting over birthday planning for my son who turns one in February. Do we have a party? Do we not? Can we even afford one? The consumerism and expectations are overwhelming and make me feel more and more like the comfortable American style of life is beyond our reach as a family. It's exhausting. This may sound strange, but I feel happy for the Holy Family that Jesus could be born in a manger and share that first Christmas surrounded by people who loved God and each other and that was enough. They did not have to compare that humble dwelling and their poverty with all the people posting their beautiful dwellings and affluence on instagram.
I’m reading this on 12/22. My children are young adults. We are all broke. And so we agreed “no gifts” this year. And I’ve had the most glorious and peace filled Advent. UNTIL TODAY. Really? No gifts? As in… zero??? Are the kids ACTUALLY okay with this? Or do they secretly believe moms got something up her sleeve? Lord have mercy on me because my sleeves have got nothing!! And so I was grumpy with my husband, ran to a few stores, battled the traffic, and still feel anxious all because of the worlds lie that people coming together and celebrating the birth of our Savior isn’t enough. How do we untangle this mess we created?